Literacy Log 3

Love Him in the morning when you see the sun a-rising
Love Him in the evening 'cause He took you through the day
And in the in-between-time when you feel the pressure coming
Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

I only ever knew the chorus to this song. It's encouraging to know that there's really only one verse, and that the chorus (above) was the really important part, when it was being written.

On a different note, it is time, yet again, to write a literacy log.
Let us examine whether or not my feelings on the subject have actually changed. On the surface of things, my first instinct is that it hasn't, but it's always worth a look. So. Literacy. The class has finally admitted that yes, literacy does in fact have to have something to do with texts. Hear my huge sigh of relief. At least there is that. They also claim that it has to do with being able to manipulate many different contexts and capabilities to do with the texts, and these spill over into live interaction. So. If we're being honest, all of this hurts my head. I can't catch hold of it properly. But. I am supposed to explore another aspect of "literacy" (oh how I hate those scared quotes, and how I wish that it were immediately obvious that I use them in an annoyed tone that mocks the doubtful one my prof usually uses). So yeah. Literacy. Um....
I'm gonna focus on "language use that has become naturalized," in the context of christian jargon. Am I? Or would I rather focus on "The effect of practicing discourse analysis on your own language use or the language of others – recently we suggested that one definition of being literate is being an independent discourse analyst. Is this a helpful way of thinking about literacy for you, and to what extent do you see yourself able to analyze the discourse around you" ? I might have something to say about that. After all, all I do these days is discourse analysis. Or perhaps I'd do better to talk about "Cultural models that you draw upon or that you encounter" Argh.

Dear AT&T

dear at&t: thank you for the internet service. I think you should know, though, that your bills don't make any sense. I passed both algebra and calculus (not to mention 5th grade) with flying colors, so I promise you I can both add and subtract. However, I cannot make heads or tails of your calculations, even with the help of a calculator and my roommate, who is a chemistry major. Please explain yourself.
sincerely,
E.O.

Things I am thankful for today:
that my apartment feels so much homier than a college dorm.
that I don't have to smell pot on a regular basis.
that I don't have to eat Sodexo all the time and can buy my own groceries.
that I have friends who are very happy with me crashing at their place on a weekend.
that there are grander stories to long for than just "living in the moment".

and on the note of that last one, lately whenever someone asks me, "so how's your day going?" I have to stop. and think: wait, what DID I do today? - Which is not ok. That, I think, is living TOO much in the moment. I'm so busy I've taken to just letting go anything that is past as not-nearly-as-important-as-the-fifteen-things-I-have-to-get-done-next. Which is also not ok. I would like to restore a sense of connectivity (and peace) to my life, and to do that- well, I'm gonna come up with something, very soon.
hah.
anyways.
over 'n out.
E.O.

Lies SOMEbody must have told me

Sorry to be cryptic. Some things just need to be in Spanish. Please don't go trying to translate- it's more for my own sanity that I've written this than for your entertainment.
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De alguna manera me es inconcebible que yo sea jamás la amada de nadie. Eso tiene que ser una mentira, verdad? De dónde la he sacado?
Pero aun y así, a mi parecer, suena verídico. Después de todo, yo no me veo nada que atraiga a un hombre de verdad, de fiar. Claro que también dudo la existéncia de tal hombre, pero eso es una cuestión para otro día. Quiero, si alguien me llega a amar, que me ame entera- no sólo el corazón, ni sólo la mente, o la sonrisa, no. Me tiene que querer toda enterita, y si no, nada. Y yo a él también, claro está.
(No sé por qué me siento más capaz de eso que el tío fantasma que me estoy inventando... otra mentira será.)
Me dolía menos el alma cuando ignoraba que era posible que atrajera a nadie, punto. Será que yo no se ser íntima con alguien?
Éstas son las preguntas que me pasan a menudo por la cabeza, y no puedo estarme de entretenerlas... ojalá hubiese alguien con quien pudiera hablar de estas cosas, quien me sabría aconsejar, tal como yo supe aconsejarle a mi amiga anoche (por la gracia de Dios, no por nada que yo sepa d'estas cosas).
No diré que quisiera que nunca hubiera conocido a ese chico. Eso sería mentira, porque me ha hecho mejor persona y mas feliz, el conocerle. Sólo digo que quisiera que me doliera menos el despedirme de él tan lentamente... es como intentar abrir una bolsa que se cierra con velcro en medio de una clase o algo... por más lento que lo hagas, mas se nota cada- pe- que- ño- so- ni- do. Ecks. Ojalá él hubiera sabido decirme, querida, de momento no soy capaz de ser ni novio ni amigo tuyo. Déjame que me vaya de tu vida, por ahora. Ojalá yo hubiera sabido escucharle, cuando intentó decir algo remotamente parecido.
Pero enfin. Ahora sé que nos hemos dicho adiós. No me gusta, aún me duele, pero el saberlo me- bueno, me ayudará.
Seré una persona capaz de amar y de ser amada?
Supongo que ya lo veremos.

hasta la próxima.

_________
Y claro que el muy puñetero me escribe diciendo que quiere que hablemos JUSTO DESPUES de yo escribir lo de arriba... no tengo palabras, no sé qué estoy sintiendo.
Me saca de quicio, eso sí lo sé. Pensamientos: Si te despides, despídete de una puta vez, idiota! Y si no, escríbeme mas a menudo, que estamos en el siglo XXI! Tenemos internet y SMS y cosas d'estas.
...
Ahora que me lo pienso, quizá debería calmarme un poco... No soy lo suficientemente madura para esto.

Unwell

Excuse me while I go throw up a few left-over friendships that were in my system last night. I just realized they went bad, and it's seriously upsetting my stomach. Just a moment -.

Aftershave

To that kid who was sitting in front of me:
Next time, please go easy on the aftershave (or cologne, deodorant, whatever). Like, 999/1000ths easier. Don't force the rest of us to compulsively hold our breath for 45 minutes until, not being able to stand it anymore, we are compelled to get up in the middle of lecture to look for seats further back (by AT LEAST two rows) just so we can get away from your stench. Next time, please just brush your teeth or take a shower with actual soap instead. I guarantee you, that will do better at both a) removing any stench from this weekend's partying/camping/other adventures and b) getting you in good with... well, I was going to say ladies, but with anyone you want to actually think well of you, really. Whatever pheromones they are telling you is in that stuff, it cannot possibly help you out if you lay it on like that.
So. I hope its clear. Don't be that kid. Don't suffocate your classmates. And if you absolutely HAVE to use that much scent, at least have the decency to muffle it by keeping your sweatshirt on.
Thank you.

over 'n out.
E.O.

For the moment

I miss you, you turd.

I wish I could forgive you for being gone, and ignoring the fact that you live in the 21st century. I'm working on it, if for no other reason than it will be better for my own spirit to be rid of this hurt caused by missing you, wishing you would remember me fondly in a way that communicated itself to myself, somehow. I'm trying, now, to forgive you.

But right now, until God kicks in, I really only have one word for you, turd.

I had another one, but it floated away, because turd just fits so well.

Turd.

There.

____________

On a different note, there is something else I would like to say, not to the aforementioned, specifically, but to everyone.

Don't let wishful thinking influence or interrupt your goodbyes. If you must say goodbye, be strong and just say it: Goodbye.
That is the kindest thing you can do.