Reflection

The other night I prayed. I prayed for Godis, whose heart has just been finally squished after a long twisting and tearing. Afterwards, I fell silent, and listened. I tried to think of other things to say to God, but I felt like it was better to be quiet. After a couple minutes, I overcame that feeling and kept praying.... it felt like I was awkwardly trying to end a conversation, like when I'm done talking to someone, but courtesy demands I stay and say more polite nothings. It was odd, because usually I don't feel like God's listening very hard to what I have to say.
Then, tonight in church, the speaker said something. What if, when we prayed, it were like a real conversation? Like, we started, and God gave us the assurance that he loved us, and then we just... talked. Were able to ask God questions and have him answer, just like that. He said that so often, it seems like we break off the conversation right after God starts communicating, and related it to a conversation in which one person came up and said "Hi, how's it going? I'm so glad to see you!" and the other "I'm glad to see you too! I'm so happy you're here!" and then the first person just walked away. He cited 1 Samuel 21, with David and the ephod and everything. And I wondered, after the other night- would that really be possible? I don't know if I'm to the level of being able to have a real conversation with him yet, but... could we? Could I?
And then he talked about God's desire to be desired, sought out by us. He talked about how our tendency to quit praying as soon as we had God's sweet reassurance of his love and presence might make Him wait to answer us, in order to enjoy our seeking him. It reminded me of something by C.S. Lewis that I'd read a couple days ago, from Screwtape Letters, about how God lets us have dry times, he lets his presence fade from our lives because the times when we don't feel him, and yet still struggle to obey him (seek him) are the times that please him most. After all, who doesn't want to feel desired? Now, I'm not sure how theologically founded that viewpoint is, but the three things spread out over several days came together in my mind, and I feel like it's God teaching me, somehow.
So, I wish to attempt to seek God out and converse with him. As crazy as that may sound.
E.O.