I've been granted a revelation. In my group of friends here there are a couple people who, if you ask them for honesty, have no qualms about giving it to you.
You know how groups of people have customs? Quirks that are particular to a group, things that are acceptable within it, but not really in general society? Well, in our group, one of these quirks is making observations about people's character. Direct and honest observations. So today, A once again said something about my personality... and I went for it. These opportunities don't come often in life. I said that I wondered, what they really thought of me, because I didn't understand, sometimes, where the things they said were coming from. And to my utter surprise, the gamble worked. I got an honest answer.
My friends think I am plain.
Not in experience or knowledge, but in taste: food, clothing, likes and dislikes. Plain.
A couple people tried to soften the word, but I asked them, because I hate such political correctness,not to. Plain: that was the general consensus. And if I am to be honest, if this is the opinion that other people hold, it would explain why so many people seem indifferent to me after about 5 minutes of conversation. Oddly... it makes sense. I do not hold people's interest for more than a short while. And if I do, it almost always feels like it's more out of charity or obligation than anything else (excepting one or two close friends from years back).
So this leads me to wonder- is it true? After all my striving to be different, to stand apart from the mindless crowd, have I become simply... boring? My intuition tells me it's quite possible. The thought really disappoints me, because I never wanted to be overlookable. When i said, when people asked that superhero question, that the superpower I wanted was invisibility, I didn't think that I might get my wish. Passionless, without that joie de vivre that touches people, without loves, without aspirations or intensity. I am again faced with the fact that there's nothing in this life that pulls on me, a love that demands that I be and lets my personality reflect its light, gives it color. Where are those convictions that make people so interesting to be around?
There is more I could say, but... out of consideration for you, reader, I will simply think. No need for you to have to listen to my disappointment in what all my journeying and wonderful rainbow colors of people and places have produced. It'd be too awkward and embarrassing, I know. I apologize for being - who?
over 'n out.
that other drone,
E.O.
