memories, thoughts, and praise

So it occurred to me tonight that I spend almost three years pouring out my thoughts and the events of my life onto xanga. So I decided to go explore it. I went back to the post I wrote two years ago today, and something caught my eye. I used to write things that I thought, calling them "Thinkingfullnesses" Two years ago today was easter, and this was my thinkingfulness...

Does life ever make you ache? Not urgently, not direly, but just a kind of ache... like hearing an un-tuned piano, and knowing the strings won't ever really be set right again. Or like when you've made a mistake in how you treated someone or what you said to a person, and you can't take it back. It is an ache of things lost... Do you know that ache? I do. I've had it for the longest time. I see it when I'm not close to God, or when I take a very close look at reality. We, as people, didn't ask for this. Not life, not love, not the pursuit of happiness, which always seems to be slipping away. But we have it. One day we were born, by God's wish, and we have grown into the realization of it. But do you know what I realized this easter? I don't know if that ache will ever go away, really. In fact, I'm pretty sure it won't, no matter where I live or who I'm around. It might be less in some places than others. At any rate, I know that even so, I wouldn't for the world wish not to have been born. I am glad that God decided to make me, that even after he saw the path that Adam and Eve had chosen, he decided not to wipe humanity out.

Interestingly enough, I had occasion, last weekend, to revisit this thought, albeit in a different form. This past 9 months, I have largely gotten away from the "ache" I talked about in the above thought... amazingly enough, my life at college so far has been... wonderful. I did not expect it. I still find it kind of hard to believe... and having only a month or so left of this school year, I find myself wondering if it could be as fulfilling as this year and just a little sad for this possibly-to-be-lost happiness. I have no idea what next year will bring... but I trust the ache of life isn't far away. Whatever next year may bring, I am grateful for this blessed respite for my constantly-twinged spirit.
...I'll post on memory another day.
E.O.